Blogging the binge

Guess I was feeling sorry for myself today. Aunt Flo is visiting and even though I'm on a ton of pain killers I still have cramps. I didn't get good sleep. I was feeling pissy and cranky. So after fighting with myself I knocked back 17 fish sticks with a side of hummus and 4 skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. Of course non of it made me feel any better. But, DH is on his way home from work, so I think I'll get on the treadmill for a bit and walk off some frustration.

On a brighter note the muscle relaxers seem to be working on my jaw. It's closer to normal position. This makes me optimistic about the non-surgical treatment. With any luck, it will progress faster than the 3 months the doc said. A girl can hope.

How not to lose weight...

Last week I woke up with pain on the left side of my jaw. I've had clicking and it would catch when I open--that's been going on for years. The pain was new though, so I was a bit concerned. I then noticed it hurt too much to bring my teeth together on that side to chew. I'm a left side chewer wouldn't you know it? When I finally go to a mirror, normal people would have rushed to see what was up , not me. Anyway, I notice that my jaw has shifted markedly to the right. That solved the chewing mystery.

I had a dentist appt. later in the week so I decided to wait it out. My dentist took one look at me and said, "You need to see an oral surgeon." So, yesterday I went to the swankiest dentist office in the world. Not only do they extract teeth, they do lip plumping, brow lifts and botox injections. The good news is they're not going to do surgery right away. The bad news is I have to have a night guard made and I have to be on super high doses of anti-inflammatories and a muscle relaxant for 3 months. They hope that the jaw will slip back into proper position on its own.

This boils down to being on a soft/semi soft diet until the problem is correct...lucky, lucky me. The upside to the boring is that since I'm down to 278.8 as of this morning.

I'll take it :)

It's 2010, here I am again!!!

I have not given up on my weight loss. I just decided to take the super leisurely once around the park route. Well, once around the park stopping at every fast food and ice cream joint along the way.
So, what's been going on since April of last freakin' year? In May I started doing Medifast. Great plan, restrictive, but fast. I got down to 271. Then I hit the wall. I started straying off plan. I kept trying to recommit but no luck. In October, I lost a dear friend to cancer. She also struggled with her weight and had just achieved goal before she died. I spent another few months wallowing in my feelings for a woman that was a second mother to me. The holidays came and went with the eating and not paying attention to my health that goes with them.
Not all was doom and gloom. A couple of my friends are on a weight loss mission, so I've been walking with them occasionally. We've done a couple of hikes and some hill walks in their neighborhood as well as a few walks around a nearby reservoir.
I'm not quite sure what to file this little nugget under :). Earlier this year DH was told he was "fat" by his doc. He needed to lose about 30 pounds. He saw my initial success on Medifast so he decided to do that....He's almost to goal and is now a weight loss expert. My oldest is also doing a bizarre Medifast/Atkins hybrid and he's down about 35 pounds.....Yippee for them!!!! (Where's the eyeroll emoticon?)
So, what am I doing you ask? Well, I've given up Medifast for good in my head. I've gone back to Weight Watchers/calorie counting. I've convinced myself that one of the reasons I couldn't stick to Medifast was I couldn't deal with the cravings. I know that I could try, stick with it...blah blah blah. I threw in the towel, I was sick of swimming upstream.
And here I am, a few pounds lighter than when I last posted. I was 283.8 this morning. Not great, but not bad. Considering what I've been eating, it's pretty great. I'd like to say that I'll be diligent and post, but at best I'll say I'll try.

April's done...I must be posting

I've been sitting (literally) watching time go by and I'm no closer to the goals I set for myself. Quite often during this hiatus, I've thought....heck I'll just stay fat. It doesn't really matter anyway right.
Then I smack myself back to reality or pass a mirror(which is far more painful).

So, just basically writing to say I'm still here and still doing.......something......I think :)

"A tale told by an idiot.....

full of sound an fury signifying nothing."

Thank you , Mr. Shakespeare, for summing up my approach to dieting. I start out all full of bluster: "Hey look at me! I'm going to do this thing, I'm gonna lose x number of pounds! I've got this, I don't need no stinking plan. Plans are for the weak! I'll just buy good food and eat. I'll exercise whenever, I don't need a schedule."

I hate when cliches are right. Hell, I hate being a cliche. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. That's how I feel right now, like a failure. AGAIN.

Setting myself up for failure is kind of thing with me. School, jobs, relationships...I've run the gamut. I want to change this, I really do, I think.

I have a fear of success, no matter how badly I believe I want something. Some part of me works to sabotage it.

So, what do I do to fix it? All I can think of is another cliche: Fake it 'til you make it.

I'm not "better," I haven't changed. But, I can pretend I have until that becomes my reality. After all, I am the girl that not only did not gain weight my freshman year in college, I lost about 30 pounds. I did it by convincing myself that it was possible--even with the drinking and pizza and positively horrible dorm food.

I can do that again. I know I can. First baby steps? Today, I make a meal plan for 1 week, just one and do the shopping for it. I'm also going to clean out my fridge and cabinets...no more not on plan food in the house. If my oldest or my husband wants it, they have to get it and eat it somewhere else.

I think I can manage a meal plan every Sunday for the week. There are enough out there. That will be my focus for March. That's it, that's all.

Back in the exercise saddle

My knee is doing tons better (thanks for asking!). I'm still walking with a slight limp, but the swelling gone and there's no pain. My knee felt so much better that I worked out this morning with one of my buddies. I did a half hour of spin. It's been two weeks so the girl parts were numb, but it was good to be back. Tomorrow will be the real test. I'm going to do a body pump class which tends to be a bit squat/lunge heavy.

As for eating...well Friday could have been better--I'll talk more about that in a bit. But, the rest of the week went pretty well. I was too lazy to log it, but I've promised myself to do better with that. After all, you know what they say about people who keep food journal.

Friday was a tough day for me. I shouldn't say tough really. I just used the day as an excuse to forget all my reasons for wanting to take care of me. My niece had oral surgery and I drove her there, picked her up and let her and her daughter spend the night. Now, the surgery didn't happen to me, I wasn't in any pain so why did I "need" to eat all that ice cream in solidarity???

I was thinking a lot about emotions the last few days. I am,of course, an emotional eater. I'd rather eat an emotion away any day than feel and act on it. What am I afraid of? Will the world come to an end if I say what I feel for a change? Will those around me suddenly stop caring about me if I speak up instead of mumbling, "I'm ok, just a bit tired. Nothing to worry about." ?

Part of me is very afraid that that is exactly what would happen...not the world ending bit, but losing friends. But, another part of knows that that would never happen. I know a couple of people that act on their emotions to the opposite extreme--laying waste to everything around them because that's how they feel. They are still surrounded by loved ones. That's how it should be, not the unbridled display exactly, but the fearlessness that all will be ok afterward.

Personally, I want to strive for a medium. I need to learn to express myself and not eat the feelings away. Especially since they never go away anyway, they just lurk and cause all kinds of other problems. I don't want to become the other extreme either, that's not the person I want to be.

Quickie

Per spark people I ate 1389 calories today. Didn't do any exercise will attempt some tomorrow--still babying my knee. According to Sparkpeople I didn't eat enough today, but right now I'm more tired than hungry so it's off to bed. Will try to get more calories in tomorrow too...I'm betting that will be easier than getting in some exercise!