April's done...I must be posting

I've been sitting (literally) watching time go by and I'm no closer to the goals I set for myself. Quite often during this hiatus, I've thought....heck I'll just stay fat. It doesn't really matter anyway right.
Then I smack myself back to reality or pass a mirror(which is far more painful).

So, just basically writing to say I'm still here and still doing.......something......I think :)

"A tale told by an idiot.....

full of sound an fury signifying nothing."

Thank you , Mr. Shakespeare, for summing up my approach to dieting. I start out all full of bluster: "Hey look at me! I'm going to do this thing, I'm gonna lose x number of pounds! I've got this, I don't need no stinking plan. Plans are for the weak! I'll just buy good food and eat. I'll exercise whenever, I don't need a schedule."

I hate when cliches are right. Hell, I hate being a cliche. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. That's how I feel right now, like a failure. AGAIN.

Setting myself up for failure is kind of thing with me. School, jobs, relationships...I've run the gamut. I want to change this, I really do, I think.

I have a fear of success, no matter how badly I believe I want something. Some part of me works to sabotage it.

So, what do I do to fix it? All I can think of is another cliche: Fake it 'til you make it.

I'm not "better," I haven't changed. But, I can pretend I have until that becomes my reality. After all, I am the girl that not only did not gain weight my freshman year in college, I lost about 30 pounds. I did it by convincing myself that it was possible--even with the drinking and pizza and positively horrible dorm food.

I can do that again. I know I can. First baby steps? Today, I make a meal plan for 1 week, just one and do the shopping for it. I'm also going to clean out my fridge and cabinets...no more not on plan food in the house. If my oldest or my husband wants it, they have to get it and eat it somewhere else.

I think I can manage a meal plan every Sunday for the week. There are enough out there. That will be my focus for March. That's it, that's all.

Back in the exercise saddle

My knee is doing tons better (thanks for asking!). I'm still walking with a slight limp, but the swelling gone and there's no pain. My knee felt so much better that I worked out this morning with one of my buddies. I did a half hour of spin. It's been two weeks so the girl parts were numb, but it was good to be back. Tomorrow will be the real test. I'm going to do a body pump class which tends to be a bit squat/lunge heavy.

As for eating...well Friday could have been better--I'll talk more about that in a bit. But, the rest of the week went pretty well. I was too lazy to log it, but I've promised myself to do better with that. After all, you know what they say about people who keep food journal.

Friday was a tough day for me. I shouldn't say tough really. I just used the day as an excuse to forget all my reasons for wanting to take care of me. My niece had oral surgery and I drove her there, picked her up and let her and her daughter spend the night. Now, the surgery didn't happen to me, I wasn't in any pain so why did I "need" to eat all that ice cream in solidarity???

I was thinking a lot about emotions the last few days. I am,of course, an emotional eater. I'd rather eat an emotion away any day than feel and act on it. What am I afraid of? Will the world come to an end if I say what I feel for a change? Will those around me suddenly stop caring about me if I speak up instead of mumbling, "I'm ok, just a bit tired. Nothing to worry about." ?

Part of me is very afraid that that is exactly what would happen...not the world ending bit, but losing friends. But, another part of knows that that would never happen. I know a couple of people that act on their emotions to the opposite extreme--laying waste to everything around them because that's how they feel. They are still surrounded by loved ones. That's how it should be, not the unbridled display exactly, but the fearlessness that all will be ok afterward.

Personally, I want to strive for a medium. I need to learn to express myself and not eat the feelings away. Especially since they never go away anyway, they just lurk and cause all kinds of other problems. I don't want to become the other extreme either, that's not the person I want to be.

Quickie

Per spark people I ate 1389 calories today. Didn't do any exercise will attempt some tomorrow--still babying my knee. According to Sparkpeople I didn't eat enough today, but right now I'm more tired than hungry so it's off to bed. Will try to get more calories in tomorrow too...I'm betting that will be easier than getting in some exercise!

Why Start Now?

I've written this introductory post in my head millions of times. I figured I should just get something down and get to work instead of procrastinating like I always do.

So, why start now?

I've been overweight 99.99% of my life. Even though I was a preemie, by the time I was in kindergarten I was 10% overweight according to a note sent home by the school nurse. My parents were old school from the south and I was a sickly baby/small child and what do you do with a sickly child? FEED HER!!!!!

Not that I blame my parents for my weight....although that would be easy to do. We weren't an active family, Mom worked for a baked goods company, we didn't have any healthy emotional outlets, blah, blah, blah. Nope, I'm the one who made the choices that got me to 339 pounds. Just like I'm the one who made the choices that at one time got me as low as 175 pounds.

I still didn't answer the question, did I?

I'm 42, nearly 43, married with 3 children and I'm starting to fall apart. I've been diagnosed with pre-diabetes, I have borderline high blood pressure and I think I'm heading for a knee replacement. Not fun and kinda scary. Also, I missed so much of my oldest son's life by being the fat mom, I don't want to do that to my younglings. I also want to set a good example for them, I don't want them to have the food/weight issues that I have. If I can give them one less thing to worry about in their lives, I think that would be good.

I've lost myself in my fatness, I think. I started noticing changes when I got over 250. I didn't like to go out as much. I stopped doing things I enjoyed. But, it was gradual. It became worse as I neared 300. I want me back.

That brings me to plain old vanity. I really would like to be able to go into any store and pick up an outfit. I hate having to settle for what fits instead of what I want. I'm sick to death of shapeless clothes and trying to camouflage a stomach that bigger than my boobs!

I've said all that to say this: I'm DONE!! I'm drawing my line in the sand and taking charge of my life and my health.